Why Monster?

So, I've realized that some of my posts may have sounded like I'm being overly hard on myself. Or made it look like I think negatively about myself. I'm not going to say that my thoughts about myself, particularly my body are always positive, that would be lieing. I've come to realize that even a person with an ideal weight has things about their body they aren't happy with, no one is without insecurities. Some of us just have more than others. But just to clarify, I do NOT hate myself, or my body.

Now that I've said that, why did I decide to call my blog "My 70 Pound Monster"? Well, because those extra 70 or so pounds on my body, feel like a monster in my life. It's the day to day things like not being able to find clothes that both fit and make me feel good. It's the wear and tear on some of my clothes having to stretch and support and cover the extra weight. I have some clothing that is actually painful to wear, and I have no choice but to wear it. And the monster part also refers to the feeling that a cloud is hanging over head. It's called Heart Disease, there are more clouds for diabetes, arthritis, hip replacement/knee replacement, infertility, and the list goes on. I'm sick and tired of living with the question "Is that in my future?" I already have enough health problems, including hypothyroidism, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and yes infertility.

This is a big deal for me to admit, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. And it is my Number One motivator. I've done research and I truely believe that a big part of my fertility problems are related to my being overweight, or actually according to BMI in the obese category. Why can some women who out weigh me by a lot have children? I don't know, our bodies are different, my system is apparently more sensitive to my weight, and my over all physical condition. I truely believe that I have been given the motivation to change by God. And if I can control my appetites, and beat my desire to be lazy then I might be able to change that diagnosis. I know it won't be easy, but I ask myself  "Do I want the lifestyle that is easy, that got me in the physical condition I am in today, or do I want children?" That is the biggest reason this 70 pounds of extra weight is a monster to me. It could stand in the way of something that I have wanted my whole life, to be a Mom. If I do this and my husband and I still need to adopt then two things will happen. 1. I will know I did everything in my power to make it possible to have our own, and it is God's will. and 2. My children will have a healthy and strong Mother, who can teach them healthy habits to take care of their bodies and have healthy lives.

That is why I am doing this. It's not about thinking I am ugly, and I won't be beautiful until I'm a size 6. And it's not about being hard on myself. It's about doing all I can do to avoid the nightmare of infertility my Doctors told me I would deal with a year and a half ago. It's about taking responsibility for myself and how I feel. And it feels good to be this honest, even if no one reads it, even if I've just put it out there into cyberspace and it's lost forever. I am doing this blog for me, so I am honest with myself about my whole journey, my life, all of it. I do hope that this might help someone else, even one person would be more than worth it. The journey of weight loss, and maintaining your goal is not impossible. Even for those of us with medical conditions that have these labels, the ones that say "cause weight gain" or symptom is "weight gain". We are not bound by these limitations and labels.

P.S. to the dear person that told me I was beautiful the way I am, and not to be hard on myself. Thank you! You made me think a little deeper, and I really needed to do that. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me heart after writing this. xoxoxo