The 70 pound monster!!!!

I have goals, and I have dreams, and I have things that I want. And I believe that I need to use some brutal honesty to achieve those things. I have always been "the fat girl". As a child no one ever made up a mean nickname based on my name to tease me with, they didn't need too. Fatty, fatso, pig, fat pig etc were more than enough ammunition for them. It was horrible, and taught me to hate myself, avoid all contact with others as much as possible, and not make a spectacle of myself. I felt grossly inadequate, uncoordinated and clumsy. I dreaded every single PE class I ever went to.

Here are the things I heard or thought about myself
"she just hasn't lost her baby fat yet"
"she's a little chunky, but she's not fat"
"big boned"
"slow metabolism"
"it's genetics" -as if I knew what that meant

Over the years I struggled with my self image, self worth, and self esteem. I struggled with depression, which only got worse as I suffered from illness after illness. And I was ever more frequently the butt of jokes, mocking, and avoidance. Others who had previously been friends would no longer acknowledge me because of my unpopularity. In the seventh grade I finally could not take it any longer. I faked sick, I faked sick for nearly 2 weeks before my Mom said I had to go back the next day NO MATTER WHAT! I burst into tears, I still remember it clearly all these years later. She was shocked, I was not a crier. I begged her not to make me go back "to that place". When she asked me why I told her of all that was happening. The teasing progressed from fatty to sexual slurs, and throwing/hitting/or dropping textbooks on or at me. She was furious! My mother went straight to the principle and demanded action, surprisingly she got it. I finished out the year in relative peace. And we began preparations for home schooling. During those years I did much better, I gained some much needed social confidence and made friends. I still thought of myself as fat, but less and less did I hate myself, or think I was ugly and worthless.
By the time High School came I was independent, smart, and confident. I knew what I wanted and I was not afraid to go for it. I went back to public school for a portion of my education, I made friends and enjoyed a full social life. I loved high school! For the first time in my life people could see who I was because I had overcome most of my shyness, and everyone was nice to me. I was nice to everyone, and even those I did not know well were not unkind.
At that time I also lost 25 lbs and was feeling pretty good about myself. Since High school, going on 7 years, I have struggled to maintain that weight. But I refused to "diet", I would not be like those I loved going up and down constantly and never being satisfied with "who I am". So I tried to have an active life, I love walking so I did that a lot. But I really didn't know much about my bodys nutritional needs.
I made some serious mistakes that have had lifelong consiquences for me. When I first lived on my own I worked at McDonald's and had very little money. I stopped buying meat, and my diet consisted mostly of ichiban/ramen noodles, sidekicks, and cheez whiz sandwiches. I did lose some weight, but I felt sick nearly all the time, it became so that I could not keep down milk, so I started buying soy milk. I was fatigued all the time, and felt nauseated daily. I began to get headaches that would last for days. When I finally went to the Doctor they did tests and diagnosed me with HypoThyroidism. I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. The combination of poor nutrition and Soy that is hard on the thyroid, destroyed the function of that vital system of my body. The thyroid controls metabolism among other things that it affects.
Well when I started that medication the doctor said I should expect some weight loss. Yeah Right! Since then I have gained from 175 lbs up to 215 lbs.
I will admit to making poor choices in that time. And to all those out there with medical conditions that affect your ability to lose weight, IT IS POSSIBLE! It may take longer, it may seem like it takes more work than it should, but you do not have to be imprisoned by your condition and your weight.
My ultimate goal weight is 145 pounds. That means working hard, probably for years, to lose my 70 pounds monster. I realized today that the extra weight I carry around with me is the size of a healthy 10 year old child. Ugh no wonder my whole body aches! No wonder my hips do not stay in place properly and I am developing painful joints! All the pain, illness, exhaustion, soreness, and other ailments make sense now!
I will make the change, I will complete my goals, and continue to set new ones. I will Succeed! I will be able to say I LOVE ME!
What do you want to be able to do?